If You Cannot Speak for Yourself, Who Will Speak for You?

As a pastor, I have the privilege of coming alongside many people in our whole church family (and beyond) when they are in healthcare situations.  Nobody wants to think about ending up in hospital or rehab or long-term care.  Ending up in a coma or unable to communicate.  God forbid, so we push it away.

But I have a question.  Who will speak for you if you end up being unable to speak for yourself?  Who, among the people whom you love and trust, will you trust to decide medical things on your behalf if you are unable to?  Painful as it might be, you will bless them by asking them to speak for you before they might ever be called upon to do so.  You can make sure they understand what you want and the loving trust you are putting in them to speak if you cannot. 

 There is more you can do for them.  Who will you name to consult with them if the decisions become truly big and scary?  Whose love and input do you value to make such decisions?  Ask them now, tell them who has agreed to speak for you, tell the person who would speak for you who they can talk to, who they can consult to help carry the burden of such decisions. 

You may already be able to list those people whom you trust to speak for you, to consult on your behalf, but asking them now, deciding now removes a significant shock and surprise in the midst of an already shocking and surprising and unthinkable time. 

In so doing, you set clear boundaries on who does NOT get to speak for you.  Grief is overwhelming.  People have their own beliefs and assumptions of what is right and wrong when a medical decision needs to be made.  The key to a person who speaks for you, or who consults on your behalf, is that you trust them to decide according to YOUR wishes-even if they do not hold the same beliefs.  In grief, people can become very vocal and demanding in their own pain over what they believe is the best thing to be done.  Even if it is not what you want done.  

Yes, make it your own fault how you want things done.  Do not leave your loved ones fighting and blaming during those moments when they need to be leaning on one another for support.  

This is the intention behind a Living Will.  It is an official document that expresses your wishes and intentions in case the unthinkable happens.  It can also state categorically whom you choose to speak on your behalf if you cannot speak for yourself.  Making clear what you want for yourself takes the burden off those who are trying to do the best for you.  It is a gift of reasoned clarity in a time of unreasonable, grief-laden confusion.

 I am not a lawyer, I am a pastor.  That is the point of view I bring to this.  And truth be told, it is rare that I have been witness and spiritual caregiver to such conflicts and divisions.  But when it happens, it is so devastating to witness yet more pain overlying pain.  And even if it never comes to a point of family division, of all the things that are out of control in these moments, this is one that, with planning, can be controlled, one less piece to be swirling in the chaos and pain of grief.

Pastor Pete